2. The final choice

The final choice

“ Sinouane ! Have you done your math quiz?”, Som Ock asked with concern.
“  I couldn’t do it. It’s very tough !”, Sinouane replied, trying to act innocent and disgusted.
Som Ock sat down beside her, smiled and said quietly: “ Don’t display such a moody face. I will help you, most respected Mother!”
“ You  fool!”, Sinouane said and used her light fist to hit him many times.
“ Stop!  I will solve this math problem for you right now!” said Som Ock, while trying to avoid the punches and running away from Sinouane.
Som- Ock and Sinouane had many things in common that kept them together. They have been in high school together for many years. For one thing, Som Ock understands  Sinouane very well. He is always ready to always assist her in every way.
After completing his secondary school, he was picked to further his professional education abroad, while Sinouane was admitted to Dongdok Teachers Training University. This was not quite what she dreamed about, but things have changed since her father had passed away, due to old age
“ Sinouane! Please accept my condolence and my sympathy because of your father.”
She was shaking and could only answer with a fainted voice of desperation, “I’m afraid I won’t be able to continue my education.”
Som- Ock asked with interest, “ Why did you say so?”
“ I am hopeless. All my hope rested with my parents. If I’m gone, who would stay with my mother and my brothers and sisters?”
Actually, all her brothers and sisters were still young and there was nobody to help her mother run the household. All they could do was to go to school. She was the only one that could help.
“ Have you discuss with your mother? You should ask her for sure. As for your father, that was clearly beyond your control.”
These words made her cry even more.
“ Please, do not cry! Except if more tears means more relief to you, then let they come out”, he told her while drying his own tears that appeared out of nowhere, consumed as he was by compassion and pity. Som-Ock’s words that were meant to console Sinouane actually increased her sorrow. All she could do was to shed more tears. Her father used to be the central link that united the family. His death means the unavoidable end of every family member’s hope and shelter.
Time flew away. Days became months, and months became years. Sinouane ended up staying home to help her mother take care of the siblings so they could continue to go to school.
Som Ock  left Vientiane to continue his study abroad in 1995.
Years went by. Although Sinouane’s grief was reduced gradually, her attachment to her long-loved Som Ock remained intact. She faithfully helped her mother and made it possible for her brothers and sisters to continue their education. At the beginning of the rice-growing season, she waked up every day at dawn and did a man’s job, plowing and preparing the rice field for farming. As time passed and she grew older, she had to pick up a larger and larger share of her mother activities, assisted by the next-in-line sister. Daily life problems forced her to keep thinking about ways to escape the poverty cycle and what to do to earn some subsistence money. The more she thought about options, the less options there were. Continued farming was not an option, because of obvious limited physical resources. As a result, life became a matter of day-to-day survival. Sinouane clinched her teeth and barely managed to feed her family with daily servings of sticky rice. Her only goal was to allow her siblings to finish school and have a decent self-supporting career.
After finally making up her mind, Sinouane obtained her mother’s consent and boarded a passenger bus to make her way into town, as recommended by Sichan, a friend of hers, two to three days earlier. Along the way, she still remembered what Sichan once suggested to her.
“Sinouane ! You should go to that place we used to work together before!”
“That work place, what did you do there?”
“You play hosts”, replied Sichan with pride.
“What kind of hosts?”
“ Why, it’s not a tough job at all! Just greet customers and serve them beer and other drinks.”
As she noticed Sinouane did not react to what she just said, Sichan reiterated her proposal. She added,
“Some days, when you are lucky, you can make tens of thousands of kips. That is, when you sit with a generous patron”.
When money was mentioned, the financially trapped Sinouane was quite interested. This is a commodity she needed the most to support her family.
“How can you get that much money, can you tell me, Sichan?”
Sichan sensed this was her chance to boast. She crossed her legs, grabbed a cigarette with one hand, inhaled, and said:
“It’s not difficult at all. You sit with the client; you serve him drinks, and you do just what he wants; that’s all”.
When the bus ran over a pothole, Sinouane woke up from daydreaming.
The bus left Pathoumphone for Pakse. It was full of passengers from different walks of life, including Sinouane who was inexperienced and yet was all smiles. She was excited she was going to be working, at her friend’s advice, and she was also dreaming about her sweet heart who was studying abroad. She was hoping that one day she would meet him again.  
On her first day at work, Sinouane met with her friend Sichan who introduced her to the restaurant manager. She was hired on the spot, based on her beauty and appearance. Despite several years of working outside, she still looked as fresh and as attractive as a city girl.
“ I am going to give you an advance cash payment so you can buy clothes and send some money to your mother and sisters”, said the caring manager.
Sinouane was so touched by this gesture that her tears poured out by themselves. That was the first time in her life that she was the object of solicitude from somebody she didn’t know for some unknown reason. From that point on, the way she dressed up and looked at people started to change. During work hours, she addressed customers in an engaging way and during breaks too, her behavioral attitude also changed. She rested at home during daytime and had to go out to work during nighttime. Most of the clients who came to be served were rich, especially those who called themselves executives (Thao Kerr). Her two hands, which used to be callous due to prolonged farm and other hard work, were so well manicured that they became whiter. Those very hands that used to catch frogs and crabs before, are now handling clean glasses.
A full month elapsed during which many customers came in and got acquainted with her.  What she heard time and time again were those sweet words that people used to hide their real intentions and win her confidence. One evening, she got warm compliments from a customer that stopped in for a drink.
“ Hi, beautiful! What is your name? I have seen you here many times before, but haven’t had a chance to introduce myself to you yet. Could you tell me what your name is?”
She was stunned to hear the word “Ai-a” the customer used to refer to himself. From his appearance, from top to bottom, a more appropriate title would have been, “E- Pho”. He was an older man of her father’s age calling himself a brother in her presence. She had to keep her composure, and replied with a soft smile:
“ My name is Sinouane”
“ Oh dear! Your have a great name and a beautiful body”, said the big belly man.
“ Your name cannot be anything less, because your are so beautiful. Even a Thai movie start cannot match your beauty”, added the baldhead man, lifting his eyebrow and completely thrilled.
“ Don’t over-compliment me! I am not a beauty queen”, she said with embarrassment.
The baldhead guy became even more excited and instantly added,
“ Who said you are not beautiful? If you are not, I wouldn’t have come here every night.” He quickly grabbed her waist like an eagle snatching a small chick.
She thought about stepping away from him, but was afraid other people might notice it.  She gently pushed his hands away from her waist instead.
“ Please, don’t react this way. I truly love you; otherwise, I wouldn’t behave like this. If you need anything, let me know. I will get it for you immediately. Do you know that I only want you? You are indeed the only one I want!”
“ I did not put on manners. I just felt it wasn’t right”, Sinouane replied with a dry smile. “It’s not right. Besides, you already have a family. If they knew about it, something bad could happen.”
These words only increased the baldhead guy’s determination. He became even louder and bolder,
“No problems with my family. I earn more than they can spend. Nothing will happen to me, even if I got myself ten more minor wives.”
Sinouane looked down and remained silent. To save his face, the baldhead guy regained his good behavior and calmly added,
“I will leave now, but will be back tomorrow. You have to really believe that I care about you. Here are 30 thousand kips for you to spend at your leisure. When they are gone, let me know anytime. Don’t be shy in asking me for more money!”
Sinouane took the money with shaking hands. She asked herself, “Is this what Sichan meant when she talked about meeting client needs?”
As she realized this was indeed the case, she said,
“Thank you very much, but I’m not going to take your money.”
Her words took the guy by surprise. He stared at her for a short while and said,
“That’s fine. Don’t be afraid. I will help you as much as I can. Tomorrow, I will take you out for a drive. Will you come with me? Tomorrow is a holiday.”
 “ Where do you plan to go? I have never gone anywhere?” she asked with an air of innocence.  
 “ To Tad Luesy water falls! Are you coming? If you have never been there, you should try to come. There is nothing to fear”, he said like a lady hunter.
From that day on, Sinouane became the subject of frequent jokes. She felt uneasy because she was not used to operating like this. Her friend Sichan had brought her to a different world.
 “ Hear, hear, guys! Sinouane has now become a star. What do you expect when you are so beautiful?” Sichan often proclaimed with a voice a tad jealous.
“ If I knew this job would be like this, I would have never agreed to come”, Sinouane lamented.
“ If you don’t want to do this, what else do you want to do? I tell you, doing anything else wouldn’t be as profitable”, proudly commented Sichan, the know-it-all.
After three months on the job, Sinouane felt more and more comfortable. As time passed, she became involved even deeper and deeper in this business. Sometimes, she even forgot about Som-Ock, the man she thought she loved with all her heart. All that very close relationship gradually became rusty. She continued to sleep during the daytime and do her usual work at night. When she was done, she would then go out. This has become a daily routine. 
The day she stepped out of her house on the way to the restaurant marked the day her relationship with Som-Ock began to wane. The promise of eternal love they once had for each other became moot. By now, Som Ock must have completed his college education and returned home. If he were at the restaurant now, she wouldn’t know what to do. She probably would hide herself from Som-Ock, because she knew he would be disappointed.
Even though she was no longer concerned with the impacts on her personal life, each time that she thought about the love she shared with Som-Ock, she still felt scared and all shaken. The hope she had to exclusively dedicate her love to Som-Ock became a lost dream. The images of the past often haunted her and caused tears to run down her powder-covered cheeks and cover her pale face. She remembered the happy simple life she had by the rice fields, the picture of the young girl who once took the buffaloes out to feed at nearbymeadows, the vision of her living with her mother and her sisters and brothers, and the hope she had to start a family of her own some day and carrying a child for her mother to enjoy. 
If people didn’t mind her financial status, her mother thought she might be able to bring a son-in-law into the family to take care of her in her later years. Her last hope rested with this only one daughter as the most likely person to carry the family torch and inherit all of her possessions, including five oxen, three buffaloes, and a house that sits on piles, with wooden walls and aluminum-plated roof. These were assets she and her husband jointly built with their own hands, little by little through thick and thin over the years.  She had hoped to pass them on to Sinouane one day.
The dew from the winter fog began to fall on Sinouane’s head. It was cold outside, but the low December air temperature was not going to freeze her to death.  By contrast, the cold that wrapped her heart was a lot more powerful in limiting her movement. She felt like a block of ice, unable to move. The only thing moving in her whole body were her tears. Nobody knew how she felt inside, but the late night drops in temperature made things even worse for her.  Sinouane was sitting on her feet, her chin resting on her knees, her two arms pressed against her legs, and with tears streaming out. Could life be this hopeless? She thought so, and then began to groan and moan.
The moon moved across the sky, with its light filtering through coconut tree leaves, and at times casting shadow over Sinouane’s face.  The whole surrounding felt empty and meaningless to her. Sinouane stood up, wiped her tears, and forced herself back into her room, with her head tilted downward. She dropped herself on her bed, the only spot she felt happy to be, a place where she vowed to do her best to support her sisters and brothers through school. But now, even this bed seemed like a bed of roses, hurting her and keeping her from falling asleep. Each time she was about to sleep, the smiling face of Som-Ock reappeared in her mind. This was not his real face, but it made her feel uneasy and ashamed of herself.
The first round of poultry fowl chants was heard, followed an hour later by the second round. Pretty soon, the chanting breaks became shorter and shorter. Sinouane woke up, gathered her belongings and accessories, and put them in a suitcase. She wanted to leave this place to go after the thing she still missed and longed for. Cicadas were chanting frantically from behind the walls, as if they approved of what Sinouane was about to do in the search for a brighter spot in life. With her suitcase in hand, she stepped out of the room where she felt she had been buried alive. She took a last look at the pillows that used to support her head and started mumbling,
“Good-bye, History! Good-bye, Illusion! Good-bye, World of the Wealthy!”
Dressed in white and carrying her suitcase, she stepped out in the dark and walked toward the main entrance, without ever looking back. Nobody knew where she was heading, no one but herself.
“Good Lord Buddha, May you protect me from harm’s way!”
At home, her ailing mother sat below the Buddha statues and prayed for Sinouane’s salvation, holding candlesticks in her two shaking hands. She was using her left hand to wipe her tears when she heard footsteps going up the stairs. She turned around toward the front door, trying to figure out who that was.
“Who is it?” she asked with a trembling voice.
She couldn’t say any more words, except shedding tears of joy.
“Mother! I’m back”, Sinouane said, rushing to hug her mother with love. Mother and daughter were weeping as if they were two people living on each side of the world getting reunited again after a long absence.
“My dear child, come home to stay. Don’t leave again.”
“Mother! I’m back now and will not leave again!”
Sinouane carried her suitcase into the old bedroom she had five-six years ago. The room remained the same. The photo with Som-Ock and her together still stood at the same spot on the bookshelf she used during her school years. Memories of the past flipped back in her mind. She pulled the photo closer to her and, in tears, started mumbling,
“Som Ock, my love! I’m sorry. I made many mistakes.”
Sinouane put her head on the photo and sobbed louder and louder. An old hand tapped Sinouane’s back softly,
“Let bygone be bygone, my child. May all the misfortune wash away with time. Only good deeds are worth keeping”.